“Expend4bles” (pronounced “Expend-four-bles,” of course) is the fourth and unequivocally final film in the 13-year-old action franchise. The first 3 films were built on the idea of bringing together ‘80s and ‘90s action stars, led by the great Sylvester Stallone. That premise is catastrophically outdated, as the age of the movie star is over. So, the makers of this film were unconcerned with the original foundation of the franchise and thus gave Stallone a smaller role, instead emphasizing a wannabe Marvel action flick over the throwback gimmick. The film, released in September 2023, was made for $100 million and grossed a whopping $51 million. In the year of the flopbusters, “Expend4bles” was one of the most devastating. Objectively, this is a complete train wreck of embarrassing incompetence in front of and behind the camera… but I loved the atrocity.
“Expend4bles” fails at every level, generally due to its arguably unprecedented laziness. Let’s start with the acting, or lack there of. At their best, the actors are sleepwalking, and at their worst, they’re hysterical — namely Randy Couture and 50 Cent. Couture seems to actually be trying, but his background as a UFC fighter who decided to become an actor is glaringly apparent. He delivers an almost jolly performance, not in the sense that his character is happy-go-lucky, but more in the sense that Couture’s proud of himself for being able to utter words. Obviously, I want Couture to be in all films from now on.
But the true star here is 50 Cent. WOW. I am shaken from that powerhouse performance. In every single one of his scenes, it seems like he didn’t read the script and instead had an earpiece telling him what to say without any context. He exclaims banger one-liners like “That’s what I’m talkin’ about!” as if he’s attending a funeral.
The actors’ egos are even funnier than their performances — the cast evidently used this film to congratulate themselves for 90 minutes. Starting with the mind-numbing 50 Cent, there’s a scene in which his song “P.I.M.P.” unironically plays with his character in the frame. As soon as I heard it, I was gasping for air laughing so hard. Yet that’s not all. By far the best example of narcissism — and the most unintentionally hysterical scene in the movie — is courtesy of Jason Statham. In the middle of the movie, Statham’s character Christmas (that’s his actual name) is filmed on a live-stream while working security at a wealthy influencer’s party. Throughout the stream, we see the viewers typing the thirstiest comments in the chat; clearly, Statham demanded the writers insert said comments to inflate his ego. Here are just some of the cringeworthy bangers (word for word):
- “He’s hottt!”
- “I want his baby!”
- “Bet he has a big 🍆”
- “Sexy mofo ✋”
- “I think I’m pregnant 🔥🔥🔥”
- “GOD. DAMN. HE IS HOTTTT!!!”
Now let’s delve into the Shakespearean dialogue of “Expend4bles.” As previously mentioned, the writers clearly tried to rip off the MCU quips but with an R-rated twist… and once again failed disastrously. Mr. Cent unironically asks “snitches get stitches, right?,” characters talk extensively about getting urinated on, and Megan Fox sits on Statham’s face, proclaiming “this was always my favorite seat in the house.” Disgusting, idiotic, repulsive, unforgivable… stellar writing.
The visuals are equally stellar. If the cast and crew didn’t shoot the entire film inside a warehouse, I’d be astounded, because all of the outdoor shots are green screened to oblivion. My personal favorite contains Oscar-worthy thespian 50 Cent atop a tank, appearing as if he woke up from a 48-year-long slumber, with the sky awkwardly shifting behind him. To make matters worse (or better, if you’re watching this for laughs like me), the entire second half takes place on the deck of a boat, so Statham and company run around in front of what looks like tissue paper. Why couldn’t they have shot on-location instead? They had $100 million, yet they couldn’t afford to do so? The only explanation is that 98% of the budget went toward the actors.
On top of the remarkable green screen, we have unbelievably cheap CG blood squibs that defy the laws of physics, explosions that seem drawn by an orange sharpie, and a CG aircraft carrier that’s “Birdemic” levels of bad. It is as if the producers snatched someone who’s never seen a computer before, shoved them in front of one, and told them to do their best in 45 minutes.
What a tragedy that I didn’t see “Expend4bles” when it was first released. If I knew it would be this hilariously bad I would’ve snuck into the world premiere instead of just watching and reviewing it several months later. That said, I still saw it, and while it’s certainly an abomination against everything good in this world, it’s also a world-class comedic experience. Please, go see it, and buy every 50 Cent album as soon as possible.
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